Bonny's Dating Blog

An article last week in the Times Picayune called "You and improved," discusses online photo retouching services and how they are currently in hot demand. Why not shave off 15 pounds from your Facebook picture or remove an inopportune zit from Flickr if you can?

It used to be that these kinds of services were only affordable for magazine publishers or marketers with million-dollar pocketbooks. But these days anyone can afford a $7 photo tooth whitening or scar removal. Yet the article only discusses social networking sites and makes no mention of how such technology could affect the online dating world.

Personally, I'd much rather post photos of myself that were a tad less favorable than ones that had me at my absolute best. Why? Because if I do end up meeting an online suitor face to face at some point in the future, I don't have to feel like I'm living up to a second-in-time that could only be perfect at that moment. I'm a real person who has flaws (just like the rest of us), and I would hate to think that a date found me to be less than forthcoming about my age, weight or any other physical representation that people take stock of.

What do you think? Would you be upset if you met someone that had obviously doctored their photos to post at an online dating site? Or do you think it's a great way to enhance your looks so as to attract more suitors, dates, and a potential mate? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

Related:

• Online Dating Rules
• How To Date Online
• Dating Profile Don'ts

lorna011 asks in the dating forums: My long term partner of over 10 years has broke up with me and I cannot let go. Its not been a straight break up, he moved out , then came back to me, and then moved out again. Things have happened where I blame myself; mainly because of lack of communication on my part and his I have lost him, I've been waiting for him and hoped he would come back to me. I found out recently that he has no feelings for me, does not even find me attractive anymore and is seeing someone else. The pain of losing him and the fact he feels nothing for me is devastating. I feel I messed up and I don't know how I will ever get over him, as I love the person he is and I miss him so much. I have been in touch with him but I think he is getting fed up of me contacting him but its so hard not to contact him. Hes the best thing ever in my life and I loved being with him, all the memories i have and think of. He is my first love and I don't think I will ever get over him.

Do you have any suggestions for lorna011, and how she can let go of her long term partner?

Related Content:

• Essential Comforts for the Recently Broken Up
• Using Food To Mend a Broken Heart
• Dealing With Unfinished Business

I was more than a bit surprised last year when a study came across my desk saying that 30% of women who'd met men face-to-face on an online dating site had first date sex. (See: New Study Shows Women Less Cautious), especially since another study released about a month earlier showed only 25% of all US respondents had had sex with anyone they'd met online - first date or otherwise.

So it is with great interest that I share with you the results of a poll undertaken by YouGov on behalf of Craigslist about UK singles' views on first date sex. In a nutshell, every single age group polled stated they'd rather end a first date with a cup of tea.

Over five hundred Brits were asked, “If I like someone on a first date, I would rather end the date with a nice cup of tea, coffee or other warm drink than by spending the night with them.” 62% either definitely or strongly agreed. Jim Buckmaster, CEO of Craiglist said:

“The findings suggest that Boy George understood human psychology better than Sigmund Freud,"

...which refers to the 80s lyrics, “I'd rather have a cup of tea than go to bed with someone” in contrast with the psychoanalysts' belief that sex was our primary motivator.

But I'm curious. What do you think? Would you rather share a cup of tea than sex on a first date?

Earlier today I received an email at the popular free online dating site Plenty of Fish. It read:

hey there do you like tall sexy athletic men?

Confused, I looked at the gent's online dating profile. It was empty other than to say he was tall, sexy, athletic, and in his late 20's. No photos, no description of what he's looking for - nothing. And when he picked a category to share with the world what kind of dating relationship he was looking for, he chose the uber-frustrating, "Hang Out."

Now I didn't go so far as to think that the email was a dating scam, but it did set off a couple of bells in my head. Nothing urgent mind you; more of a 'I think we're after something different, you and I' kinda feel. So I replied as tactfully and kindly as I could muster:

"That's a loaded question, isn't it? I'm sure most women would say yes to that, but I'm more interested in who you are as a person. To me, sexy is about one's brain (and how they use it), and rarely about someone's height or athleticism."

A friend of mine commented that she felt my response was a bit harsh, and perhaps the gent felt so as well. (He read the email but hasn't replied). Yet I felt good about my response, because I was true to myself. Mr. Tall Athletic and Sexy (now TAS for short) made a couple of fairly severe online dating mistakes that, when corrected, could increase his response rate tenfold. What are they?

• Used the Spray Technique. What is the Spray Technique? Essentially, by aiming a pickup line, email or attention grabber at a bunch of people at once without catering your initial interaction to the person you're trying to attract. Instead of one precisely-aimed attempt, you're spraying and aiming again only after you've seen what you hit. I'm sure someone else has come up with a spiffier name than I, but the gross-out factor is intentional.


• Didn't Write a Profile. Ok, so I'll admit that I've been hit by a couple of Sprayers without realizing it until much later. But that's only because they had a carefully crafted online dating profile I could become intrigued by. But to not write a profile tells me a couple of things, and none of them are very endearing.


• Didn't Read the Profile. I don't need to go into the details as to why, but it was obvious to me that Mr. TOS hadn't bothered reading my profile. And as flattered as I am that he found me attractive enough to make first contact, if he can't be bothered to read a thirty-second blurb describing the object of his attraction, its unlikely we'll get along.

I've written a further list of dating profile don'ts, but I'd love to hear from you, the readers: What online dating mistakes have you encountered (or perpetrated yourself)? What could the person have done differently?

A recent posting on Elance asks to hire a Virtual Assistant. Not that out of the ordinary, sure. But this 'employer' is looking for a contract of a very different nature than most of the freelance projects posted there:

I am looking for someone to manage my Match.com profile. I will go on to match and mark potential dates as favorites. I need my VA to write the initial email to these potential dates. You should be able to write in English very well, and be able to craft emails that are short but fun, and reflect having read their profile on their profile.

Now, I've had my fair share of responses from online dating sites. My first week on Lavalife about six years ago found me with a couple hundred messages to sift through. But I never, ever considered hiring someone to sift through my messages or contact users on my behalf. No, part of the fun was reading through every single note.

How would you feel if you found out that the person you've been chatting with online employed someone else to deal with first contact? Or do you think this is just another internet dating scam?

grrl_geek asks in the dating forums: My love interest (a man) is nearly 10 years younger than I. He knows that I am older, but he doesn't know exactly how much older, although he may have an idea.

Because of the way I look and dress I don't seem my age--I look and seem 10 years younger, and some people think I am even younger than that. My love interest did exhibit interest in me when we used to work together. I did not act on the attraction because we were co-workers. Now that we are no longer, I would like to woo him, but I am wondering whether the difference in our ages would be an issue.

Men, what do you feel about the possibility of having a partner who is 10 years older? I am certain that you wouldn't intentionally seek out a much older woman, but if you happen to come across one that you are very much interested in, would the age difference bother you?

I've had a few dating disasters in my time, and I've helped more than a couple of people troubleshoot what to do next after taking part in a dating disaster. Some I'd like to forget, and a couple I still laugh about today (see a prior post about dating disasters for one of my personal favorites). But when a friend reminded me a while back of a couple of dating disasters that her and her now-husband shared, I had to wonder just how common these kinds of situations occur with people who end up in long-term relationships together.

So, I asked around, and collected some of my favorites in these dating disaster stories - all of which have a happy ending. Some are from straight daters, others are gay. And one or two are even celebrities: anyone a fan of The Bachelor? you'll find a story from the inaugural Bachelor here too. But no matter who tells the story, the outcome is the same: these people managed to take a hairy dating situation and turn it to their advantage - a superpower skill set that (I feel) every single person should cultivate.

Unsure as to whether or not the person you've just met is interested in dating you? LoveDetect, a new online service, has just entered the marketplace hoping that you'll use them to find out.

A quick review of LoveDetect explains how the service works: purchase some time (starting at $10 USD for a 1/2hr phone call), call your intended and talk like you normally would, then either stay on the phone or log in online and find out just how well the two of you match up based on "layered voice analysis".

The site openly states it is meant to be used for entertainment purposes only, and the "science that makes it work" (see the Homepage) isn't actually explained, other than to say the concept has not been scientifically tested, although:

"A long field study was made collecting the results and outcomes of dates following the love test. In almost all cases (above 90% of the times) - the date outcome correlated with the love level indication."

Interestingly, LoveDetect's FAQ also discusses how long-term partners probably won't score well together on the test because they are used to one another. Therefore, the site is meant for "a potential new partner with whom you have had no previous contact". Which then begs the question - why would I want to see if someone I've had no previous contact with is interested in me? Wouldn't I just ask them out on a date and find out?

But you tell me. What do you think? Would you use LoveDetect? Why or why not?

In the dating forums, a reader asks: My boyfriend (27) and I (28) have been together for more than two years. The first year was long-distance, but we saw one another fairly regularly and now we live in the same city, although over the past three months, he's traveled a lot for work and only comes home every two weekends. We get along fabulously--he makes me laugh, he's charming, he's affectionate. BUT, I feel like I always struggle to spend time with him when he's home. I feel like we're drifting apart and I'm becoming more and more needy and demanding of his time, which annoys ME, so I can only imagine how he must feel.

I've wanted to live together for the past year but he refuses to talk about it, other than to say that he's not ready. I've gotten sick of waiting around for him, so I'm moving out in a couple of months (we both live with our parents right now, but I've lived on my own for 7 years before, whereas he's just been on his own for one year a couple of years ago).

I feel so torn--I do not want to break up with him. I love him, I have fun with him, we have the most fabulous and stimulating conversations (as long as it's not about 'us'), and he's someone that I could see myself marrying and having children with--he would be a wonderful father. I'm not ready to get married or have children yet, but my worst fear is that I get stuck is a going-nowhere relationship and then it gets to the point where I'm too old to have kids! I know that he wants to get married and have children one day too, but I'm just afraid that's going to be in ten years from now which is too long for me to wait. I know we need to talk about this but I'm terrified because I just know it will lead to us breaking up, which I don't want.

What do you think? Should this reader initiate a conversation with her boyfriend anyway, or should she let sleeping dogs lie and wait it out? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

Related: Is He Afraid of Commitment?

There's an interesting debate going on right now in the UK. Like in the US and Canada, more people are living common law than getting married; currently one out of every six partnerships are common law relationships in England. And according to the English government, this trend is only slated to increase. Yet for all of these cohabitating partners, none are protected financially should the worst happen. So a Lord by the name of Baron Lester has decided to take it upon himself to introduce a bill to the UK Parliament later this year that may solve this dilemma.

The Lord may have his work cut out for him: 53 percent of common law couples in the UK believe that they have the same legal rights as spouses (when this isn't the case at all), and a British Attitudes Survey found that "nine in ten people believe that cohabitees should have a right to financial protection if their relationship is long-term, involves prioritizing one partner's career, or includes children."

What do you think? Should dating couples who live together be protected by the law? What if one of the partners dies, or the relationship ends? Share your thoughts in the comments.

_{Source: Robins, Jon. The Observer. Lord fights to give legal rights to cohabitees. July 13, 2008. http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2008/jul/13/familyfinance.law}